I was recently interviewed by former family lawyer and collaborative family law facilitator Kara Ockendon for the Thriving Divorce and Separation podcast.

Our thoughtful conversation explored the role of financial advice before, during and after divorce; how a collaborative divorce differs from a traditional divorce process; the importance of separating couples truly understanding their goals; and how the right support, early in the process, can help people make informed decisions in a way that respects both parties.

You can watch the episode here, or read on for my summary of the topics we covered.

Supporting people at every stage of the journey

In the episode, I use the analogy of the process of going through a divorce as being like a tunnel – and my role as a financial adviser being to get people through it and out the other side, keeping them as clean, dry and safe as possible.

Rather than simply dividing assets or investing a settlement, I work with clients before, during and after their divorce to help them prepare for separation, understand the family finances and their position during negotiations, and rebuild their lives afterwards according to their goals.

Fostering a collaborative divorce

We’re used to hearing stories about divorces that have become highly combative – whether that’s from how they’re depicted in the movies or someone you know.

People who’ve been through it will often give you well-meaning advice based on their experience – but it’s important to remember that your divorce is entirely unique to your circumstances.

A collaborative divorce flips the script, and instead approaches the process with respect, honesty and a desire to achieve an outcome that’s suitable for both parties. This can be particularly important where children are involved, as the relationship will need to continue on in terms of co-parenting.

But a collaborative divorce isn’t about removing all conflict.

As I explained in the podcast, a certain amount of conflict is normal and to be expected:

“I probably had the idea before that all conflict is bad and should be avoided, and that’s absolutely not the case. You have two people who now simply have competing interests, even if it’s as amicable as possible. So it’s about navigating that conflict in a way that’s respectful but treats people where they are and gets them to the resolution they need to be at.”

Building a shared understanding of the finances

As a financial adviser, I work alongside professionals such as family lawyers and coaches to build a clear, shared understanding of the family’s finances before negotiations begin.

This starts with looking beyond the numbers to understand the couple’s financial history: how they made decisions about money, how responsibilities were divided and where financial disagreements may have arisen.

I then gather and review the relevant information, including bank statements and details of assets, debts and financial structures. From there, I meet with both people to explain where their finances stand and give them the opportunity to ask questions.

As I share: “We bring them both up to speed about where their money is. It gives them a chance to ask all the questions they either never wanted to ask before, couldn’t ask because of the relationship dynamic, or had stopped asking.”

This can be particularly valuable when one person managed most of the money during the relationship and the other feels unfamiliar with the details. It can also help relieve some of the pressure carried by the person who was responsible for the finances.

When both people understand the financial picture, negotiations can focus more clearly on the facts, which can help reduce uncertainty, create a more balanced conversation and help prevent negotiations from becoming unnecessarily heated.

Understanding your goals before you start

Divorce can be all-consuming, and often I see people going through the process without stopping to consider, “What are my goals for this, and how will they support the life I want to live in the future?”

A family lawyer’s role is to guide their client through the legal process, while a financial adviser can help them define what they want life to look like afterwards – and reality-test whether the available options will support that vision.

As I said on the podcast: “The best outcomes come from people who are intentional about what they actually want. You might not always get it, but at least we know what direction we’re driving in.”

Those goals aren’t always purely financial. They might include how you want to conduct yourself throughout the process, how you want your children to experience the separation, or the kind of relationship you hope to maintain with your former partner afterwards. Getting clear on these priorities can help you make more intentional decisions along the way.

We covered lots more in the episode, including the misconception that a collaborative divorce is more expensive, why keeping the family home isn’t always financially sustainable, and how to let your values guide you through the process.

Watch the full episode here.

If you’re currently considering separation or are navigating divorce and need trusted, considerate financial advice, I’m here to support you. Get in touch and let’s chat.

Want to know more? Read my articles: “What I told a room of financial advisers about divorce” and “Why choosing an impartial adviser through divorce makes such a difference”.